Ladies Nite Out..

Met Ming for the first time last Wednesday at O Bar. At first I was a little apprehensive as I wasn't sure if we were able to hit it off. I'm glad to say that it seemed as if we had known each other for quite some time. Since it was ladies' nite and all and the drinks were free, we decided to be a little cheapskate and have a few drinks, enough to make us feel high before we headed to MOS. Both of us downed 5 tequila shots at one go and I must say I was surprised I still felt all right. Maybe it was because I had a heavy dinner before. Anyways, we went to MOS after that and got us a drink again. The last one, which Ming ordered was a double shot of tequila and that did it for us. Feeling tipsy we went to the dance floor and kept dancing till the club closed!

After suffering from clubbing withdrawal symptoms, it felt really good to be able to let loose again. Hey, after all the shit that I had to go through it's only fair I indulge myself right? Well..although it's not exactly a healthy choice, what the heck..enjoy while you still can! Within minutes we had guys coming up to us and dancing. At first I didn't know how to react coz I wasn't sure if Ming was the 'good' type or the 'let loose' type. (good - prefer to dance only with girls. let loose - duh) Well, she was already grooving with some guy and so with a big smile, I danced like there was no tomorrow.

When I think about it now, it's funny coz I used to have malay guys coming up to me but last Wednesday, I danced with two chinese guys. I don't know if I unconsciously picked to dance with them or if they could actually smell my aura. Haha! Whatever it was, I had fun. And one of them was pretty cute. ;) Oh, and we met another girl and her friend as well so the four of us really enjoyed ourselves. I'm glad to have made new friends and to experience singlehood all over again. Sigh...this is the life man! Hehe...of course, after not dancing vigorously for a long time, I ended up with terrible cramps in my thighs the next day and my body was aching for two days! Age, it seems is catching up with me.. :p

Of course, I'm not going to club forever. I told myself to just club and club like crazy till I decided I had enough! Or..when I finally meet THE one, I guess..*shrug*

I don't want to do this. Heck! I don't want to feel like this anymore. Why does it keep haunting me, bugging me? I ask myself why I do things I would normally frown upon? Why do things that I know will lead me to nowhere? Why do things that I know will not bring me any gain, only loss and possibly tears? Why..why..why..??

And all I can think of is this: So that I'll never forget the real pain that comes with it. So that I'll steer clear away from anything that has to do with it. So that I'll be even stronger emotionally and mentally. Damn..who am I kidding? I tell myself it's not worth being this way because of one bad incident. But I feel myself plunging deeper into the dark hole. Not proud of myself. But it seems to be working. The tears don't come easily now. Pain - sure. But only for a few fleeting moments and then it's gone.

Stronger me? Yeah. Better me? No. Seek help? Haha, sure from a quack? I hate the new strong me. Can't explain it. No one will understand. No one. They will look at me in a different light. They will say that no one twisted my arm to make me do the things I do. And they're right. Family will break into pieces. Friends will shake their heads in despair. Or disgust even. No one will understand. No one. And I think..I don't give a fuck.

Makeover!

Ok..it's not exactly a studio makeover or anything like that. But I went to the salon a few days ago thinking of having highlights in my hair. I didn't want the bright or blonde streaks in my hair coz even if it will turn out nice, I'm sure I'll be cursing a few months down the road when the colours have faded and I would walk around with a head full of dead hays.

My usual stylist understood what I wanted and he gave me just that. I could see the colours but I felt it wasn't enough. And for the amount I had to pay, it just didn't seemed to be worth it. Of course, I was the one who insisted that I wanted a more natural colour so I couldn't really blame him. What irks me is that, as usual, whenever I told him I only wanted a slight hair trim, he would proceed to cut off chunks of it! And he does this everytime! Too polite, I didn't want to give him my killer looks.

It's been days and the colours are beginning to be more apparent. It's a good colour, I think and a friend commented that it looks fresh. So it's not so bad after all. I'm beginning to like the shorter hair and I'm thinking of going back for a haircut again to get it shorter! And who knows, I might just get blonde streaks the next time! ;)

Wo keyi jiang hua yu i tian tian*

Met up with Delvin last weekend. Surprisingly, I could actually get on his 1000cc bike. I mean, I had turned down a ride from another guy who offered to send me home on his big bike because I knew I would feel uncomfortable since I didn't really know him that well. It's not like I knew this guy very well either, but well..guess I didn't know how to tell him I would rather take the public transport instead. Or maybe, it was because I knew I would feel more comfortable with him? Who knows..

Anways, went for lunch and then met up with his friends to go to a car showroom. Felt slightly awkward being there, among his friends coz after all, I was the odd one out. And I'm sure judging from the 'trying to look but try not to make it so obvious' looks that they gave me, they must be thinking "What is this ma lai ren doing here??"(what is this malay person doing here?) Hehe..but overall, it was ok. I think I would have felt even more uncomfortable being around a group of strangers who are my own race. It's not like I'm racist or anything but right now, it's just how things are. Just find myself more relaxed being with hua ren.(chinese people) Plus, I can brush up on my mandarin.:)

ps:* I can speak mandarin better than I can spell.
* For the benefit of non-speaking chinese friends, the title here means "I can speak a little mandarin."

Someone commented that blogs are stupid. That those who actually have them are too free. That he can't imagine someone would actually sit in front of the computer and type about the day's event. In the past, I would have agreed with some of his opinions.

But now, I think blogging is a good way to improve your language skills and a way to vent out your frustrations without having to resort to inflicting damage to anyone or anything. Anyway, those who suffers from English deficiency are usually the ones who finds it a headache to read blogs. (They should try to read ah lian's or ah beng's blogs.) It's also a good way for friends to keep up with what's happening in our lives when our daily routines makes it impossible for us to contact one another. Some blogs are good and some are just plain dumb. I think some don't even know what blogging means. Some do it for the 'fame' of it. Me? I just write what comes to mind and when I want my friends to know what I have been up to. Or simply, to let off steam. I used to write on paper but now, I guess I have upgraded. Hehe..

Of course, if you guys are expecting to find some 'dirt' on me in here, sorry to say you'll be disappointed. I'm not so stupid as to wash dirty laundry on a public website. If you want, my hp is always on. But you know I'll always be sure to let you in on my little dirty secrets, if any..;)

Countdown

A few more days to December! I'm only excited about the upcoming holidays. Other than that, I think I might just experience the New Year's blues. Apart from the year end booze that might contribute to the feelings, the new year will also mean that I'm going to turn a year older very soon. Age sure is catching up fast. People always say that age is just a number and that it's a matter of how you potray yourself and how you look at life. In other words, the ability to be young at heart. No offence but I think that there are people out there who truly should act their age and not wear a mini skirt when you're in your 60s. Unless you have to-die for legs, to even attempt to wear a mini in your 40s is....well, hilarious.

So yeah, maybe I should start right now by sending messages to my brain that "I'm not getting old. I'm just growing with maturity." The only problem is, my belly's starting to show one of the signs of aging - a slowing metabolism rate. :p

Pop that booty

Went to see the movie Step Up over the weekend. I love these type of inspirational movies. Almost same story line as Take the Lead, only better. After watching such movies, I will always leave the cinema with the same, dreamy feelings - I wanna dance like them! Haha...Sure, I can gyrate my hips and butt. Besides that, I don't think I can jump into a hunk's arms, skip and turn to the music and still appear sexy all at the same time. Not when I've put a few extra pounds over the years..haha.

It made me realise there are so many things I want to do in life and have yet to accomplish. Pick up the guitar again, learn the piano, the drums (I love music and anything that produce beautiful sounds and rhythms) complete my motorbike license, learn driving next, travel to amazing places, (Paris!) play in real snow and to be a kindergarten teacher. Love kids and I know that I want to take up the Early Childhood Cert. one day. The downside is that I'll have to save enough before I quit my better paying job to be a kindergarten teacher. It's not fair! Sure, the hours are shorter and it's more relaxed than teaching in a high school which is why it warrants a lower salary but who says it's easy? It's harder to keep up with the little energizers. Plus, you might even have to accompany them to the little boys' and girls' room. Not forgetting, help them with their zippers and buttons. And who can forget that they could easily turn on the water works? So really, kindergarten teachers shouldn't be paid a measly sum. The lack of dough is not going to deter me from taking up the course though. It's time I do something that I truly enjoy - even if it means having to come face to face with a potential Dennis the Menace. :)

Insomnia decided to pay me a visit tonight. And a big roach just climbed up my leg! Aargh..!Hmm..anyways, the guy who wanted to settle down with me, he send me an sms yesterday wishing me good morning and to have a beautiful day. It's unlike him to suddenly msg me this way and especially at a time when he would usually be snoring in bed so I asked what's up with the msg? And he said that he was awaken and the first person that came to his mind was me and hence, the sms. He's been acting sweet that it scares the hell out of me! Haha...I mean, he knows that my feelings for him are purely mutual and I have even been treating him like a real guy pal - swear words, rough unladylike behaviour included - all in the hope that he realise I truly treat him nothing more than a friend. But I have to hand it to him. Other guys would have disappeared by then after fighting what seemed like a losing battle to win me over. But he's still around. I appreciate his friendship but I don't want to give him any false hopes. I already told him that but I think he harbours the thought that if he tries hard enough and if he still keeps me as part of his life, I might be moved one day to finally be able to accept him. Sigh..I don't know. I try to imagine us together and we might even make a happy pair but my heart can't accept him. Not now and.......not ever?? Fate has a funny way of finding its way to you so I guess I'll just let it be for now..

Clock's ticking..

I used to not care whether I have a boyfriend or not..it's not like I'm panicking right now but there seemed to be something in me...I don't know how to explain it. Maybe it's what they called the biological clock ticking. Damn..I actually hate this feeling. I mean, I'm enjoying my single life to the fullest and after what I've had to go through with my last relationship, I'd be the most happiest person to say that I'm unattached at this point in time. But like I said, the darn 'tick-tocks' are doing just that - ticking fast. No thanks to my mom who would occasionally remind me of my age and how at my age, she had already been married to my late father, or was it, she was already pregnant with me? Oh well..whatever it is, it doesn't help that she's rubbing some of her agitation of wanting to be a grandmother on me. Sometimes, I feel like telling her "Ok mom, if you really want to carry a little bundle so much, maybe I should just get pregnant with anybody. No marriage required. You know, do what Michael Jackson and some of the celebrities in Hollywood did." But I doubt she'll see the humour in that. :p

I should embrace life more man! I gave too much of my emotional self to worthless scumbags in the past so now it's time for me to pamper myself like crazy. I've started travelling and visited some places I thought I'd never see...and I'm planning even more "Places to visit while I'm still single." It's been fun living with me, myself and I but sometimes, it made me wonder if I'm using the "I have a lot of things I wanna do before I get hitched" phrase as an excuse to get out of a relationship. I mean, it's not like I'm having a relationship phobia right now. Well, not in a big way anyway but I have guys who have professed their feelings for me and I tend to distanced myself from them once they have made their feelings known. In fact, I have one guy who's waiting for me now and who had the audacity to say that if I pushed him away too much, I might just become his one day. Normally, I'd get turned off by such confidence but he's been a nice friend so it's fine, I guess. Just that, when he asked if I wanted to start life afresh and settle down with him, I felt...sad? Coz he seemed to have made me realised that I'm afraid to plunge into a relationship again. That I'm scared of being hurt again and that I would be branded a failure. I don't know if I rejected him because I was afraid..maybe deep down, I knew he's not the one. And I could have just accepted him if I wanted to even if I knew I'm not going to give him my all. But I don't want to. What good would it do to hurt someone's feelings? I know how it feels..

Though I may be experiencing a slight phobia, I know that I will not give up being in a relationship totally. I know I still have so much to give. And I love making my other half smile because of the little, thoughtful gestures that I like to do once in a while. I'll just have to remember that love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you but if you let it go and don't go looking for it, it will come to you when you least expect it. Now, if only my mom would stop reminding me that time's running out for me! Urgh!

Bring it on!

TGIF!! On the other hand, I'm so not looking forward to the weekend coz it would mean that after Sunday, it's doomsday. Bleh! Apart from the impending Monday blues, there's also gonna be a meeting. I hate meetings, especially those that you know are just for 'paper' purpose. The kind of meetings that keep telling you that "We work as a team, we support and encourage one another..." Yeah right! Except for the few people who I know are sincere, the speaker of such lines are usually the ones who find pleasure in making other people's working lives miserable.

Judging from how the last meeting went, I'm so not looking forward to this one. I know he's going to make me squirm in my seat again. But hey, you know what - I did not write my previous blog "Carpe Diem" for nothing. I'm gonna speak my mind and not let anyone make me feel small. Enough of letting people get away with making me feel worthless. If they are going to put me in the 'limelight' I'm just going to put on the sweetest smile I can muster and come up with an intelligent rebuttal. It's no use letting these type of people know how angry you are or how much their brainless comments have hurt you. The best way to deal with these people is to show them that you have more class than them. Words are after all, more powerful than swords..well, for certain circumstances of course. I've always believed that if you want respect, you gotta earn it so I'm not gonna bow down to these people just because they hold higher positions in the company. Even if they somewhat have a say in whether you'll receive the next increment but what's a few hundred dollars compared to your self worth? (Okay, maybe the few hundred dollars could buy me a gorgeous dress or a handbag or shoes!) Uhm, anyways..I'm just going to face the devil straight on.

Like what my colleague said, you gotta face these type of situations and people openly in order to feel good about yourself. Should never let anything bring you down emotionally. Besides, there are worse problems out there. And I have conquered some of the most toughest challenge life has to offer. So what's a sneaky boss compared to what I've gone through?! Well..I ain't gonna sit back no more and let someone have a field day at my expense. He's going to be in for a surprise. Hurtful, idiotic remarks aren't going to affect me very easily now so... bring it on! :D

CARPE DIEM!

I finally did it..do what the movies always tells you to. Tell your feelings outright. And now I almost feel a tinge of regret creeping up at having written and send the emails but I'm forcing it down. I refused to let me feel any hint of regret or embarrassement or whatever. Enough of that!

Whenever I do something spontaneous, thanks to my sudden dose of inspiration that I get once in a blue moon, I almost always end up feeling stupid. For having done something on the spur of the moment only to wish I had not done so. Enough of that! This time, I'm determined to really live life the way it should be - take risks - even if they seemed very small to hardly call them that - of course, not to the extent that the risk will cost you your life or at the expense of others, so you will know that you have gotten it done and over with. At least you'll be left with very little of life's what ifs - a painful, nagging question that will haunt you for life. At the very least, I will be able to say, "Well, I've done it, gotten the answers and will never look back in wonder..or worse, anger." What's the worse that can happen? Sure egos might get bruised but hey, I'll live. What's a little embarrassment compared to wasting years of your life thinking what could have been if you had taken the first step. Or wondering if the crush you had on that cute boy had only been a one-sided affair or if it's actually secretly being reciprocated as well? If only I had not been so shy..if only I had followed my gut feelings..if only...IF, IF, IF...the two little words seemingly innocent on its own but have the potential to drag someone down in the dumps for the rest of their lives.

So hooray to Carpe Diem! The next time I chicken out of doing something I would love to do, I'll remember these two lovely words. After all, we only live once (with the exception of those who have gone through the tunnel and get miraculously pulled back by the men in blue) and more often than not, we only have one opportunity to do/say what we want, and when we feel like it. We don't owe anyone a living, except of course to the Big Guy above. Oh, and not forgetting our parents without whom we might not even exist.

So yeah, the next time I see my high school crush - who still makes me blush with excitement at the mere glimpse of him - I will go up to him and say hi. Of course, even with this new, improved spirit, I still have to keep my dignity and moral values. There's a fine line between going for it and going for it blindly. I will still have to make sure he's not a father of six or something. If he's attached, all the best in his future and I'll feel even more accomplished for if I had not gone up to him, I would still be wondering if he's still single and available. If he's not....well, do what I'll never do, or rather, too timid to do - ask for his number. :D I've already taken baby steps to start living my life the way it should be and that will hopefully make me feel more fulfilled.

The only obstacle would be giving in to feelings of regret and frustration for having succumbed to my gut feelings only to be betrayed by it later. I will have to learn to deal with disappointments that might arise from having followed these instincts. I will have to hold onto and hopefully built more of my self esteem and confidence that were threatening to become extinct. If I managed to smile or turn my nose up at negative words being said to me by brainless idiots, then I know, I'm on my way to accomplish satisfying, if not more greater things in life. So no more tears of disappointment, anger, betrayal..etc..no more fears of the unknown and certainly no more regrets at not having done something which I really wanted to do but too scared to attempt. Enough of that! ;p