Countdown

A few more days to December! I'm only excited about the upcoming holidays. Other than that, I think I might just experience the New Year's blues. Apart from the year end booze that might contribute to the feelings, the new year will also mean that I'm going to turn a year older very soon. Age sure is catching up fast. People always say that age is just a number and that it's a matter of how you potray yourself and how you look at life. In other words, the ability to be young at heart. No offence but I think that there are people out there who truly should act their age and not wear a mini skirt when you're in your 60s. Unless you have to-die for legs, to even attempt to wear a mini in your 40s is....well, hilarious.

So yeah, maybe I should start right now by sending messages to my brain that "I'm not getting old. I'm just growing with maturity." The only problem is, my belly's starting to show one of the signs of aging - a slowing metabolism rate. :p

Pop that booty

Went to see the movie Step Up over the weekend. I love these type of inspirational movies. Almost same story line as Take the Lead, only better. After watching such movies, I will always leave the cinema with the same, dreamy feelings - I wanna dance like them! Haha...Sure, I can gyrate my hips and butt. Besides that, I don't think I can jump into a hunk's arms, skip and turn to the music and still appear sexy all at the same time. Not when I've put a few extra pounds over the years..haha.

It made me realise there are so many things I want to do in life and have yet to accomplish. Pick up the guitar again, learn the piano, the drums (I love music and anything that produce beautiful sounds and rhythms) complete my motorbike license, learn driving next, travel to amazing places, (Paris!) play in real snow and to be a kindergarten teacher. Love kids and I know that I want to take up the Early Childhood Cert. one day. The downside is that I'll have to save enough before I quit my better paying job to be a kindergarten teacher. It's not fair! Sure, the hours are shorter and it's more relaxed than teaching in a high school which is why it warrants a lower salary but who says it's easy? It's harder to keep up with the little energizers. Plus, you might even have to accompany them to the little boys' and girls' room. Not forgetting, help them with their zippers and buttons. And who can forget that they could easily turn on the water works? So really, kindergarten teachers shouldn't be paid a measly sum. The lack of dough is not going to deter me from taking up the course though. It's time I do something that I truly enjoy - even if it means having to come face to face with a potential Dennis the Menace. :)

Insomnia decided to pay me a visit tonight. And a big roach just climbed up my leg! Aargh..!Hmm..anyways, the guy who wanted to settle down with me, he send me an sms yesterday wishing me good morning and to have a beautiful day. It's unlike him to suddenly msg me this way and especially at a time when he would usually be snoring in bed so I asked what's up with the msg? And he said that he was awaken and the first person that came to his mind was me and hence, the sms. He's been acting sweet that it scares the hell out of me! Haha...I mean, he knows that my feelings for him are purely mutual and I have even been treating him like a real guy pal - swear words, rough unladylike behaviour included - all in the hope that he realise I truly treat him nothing more than a friend. But I have to hand it to him. Other guys would have disappeared by then after fighting what seemed like a losing battle to win me over. But he's still around. I appreciate his friendship but I don't want to give him any false hopes. I already told him that but I think he harbours the thought that if he tries hard enough and if he still keeps me as part of his life, I might be moved one day to finally be able to accept him. Sigh..I don't know. I try to imagine us together and we might even make a happy pair but my heart can't accept him. Not now and.......not ever?? Fate has a funny way of finding its way to you so I guess I'll just let it be for now..

Clock's ticking..

I used to not care whether I have a boyfriend or not..it's not like I'm panicking right now but there seemed to be something in me...I don't know how to explain it. Maybe it's what they called the biological clock ticking. Damn..I actually hate this feeling. I mean, I'm enjoying my single life to the fullest and after what I've had to go through with my last relationship, I'd be the most happiest person to say that I'm unattached at this point in time. But like I said, the darn 'tick-tocks' are doing just that - ticking fast. No thanks to my mom who would occasionally remind me of my age and how at my age, she had already been married to my late father, or was it, she was already pregnant with me? Oh well..whatever it is, it doesn't help that she's rubbing some of her agitation of wanting to be a grandmother on me. Sometimes, I feel like telling her "Ok mom, if you really want to carry a little bundle so much, maybe I should just get pregnant with anybody. No marriage required. You know, do what Michael Jackson and some of the celebrities in Hollywood did." But I doubt she'll see the humour in that. :p

I should embrace life more man! I gave too much of my emotional self to worthless scumbags in the past so now it's time for me to pamper myself like crazy. I've started travelling and visited some places I thought I'd never see...and I'm planning even more "Places to visit while I'm still single." It's been fun living with me, myself and I but sometimes, it made me wonder if I'm using the "I have a lot of things I wanna do before I get hitched" phrase as an excuse to get out of a relationship. I mean, it's not like I'm having a relationship phobia right now. Well, not in a big way anyway but I have guys who have professed their feelings for me and I tend to distanced myself from them once they have made their feelings known. In fact, I have one guy who's waiting for me now and who had the audacity to say that if I pushed him away too much, I might just become his one day. Normally, I'd get turned off by such confidence but he's been a nice friend so it's fine, I guess. Just that, when he asked if I wanted to start life afresh and settle down with him, I felt...sad? Coz he seemed to have made me realised that I'm afraid to plunge into a relationship again. That I'm scared of being hurt again and that I would be branded a failure. I don't know if I rejected him because I was afraid..maybe deep down, I knew he's not the one. And I could have just accepted him if I wanted to even if I knew I'm not going to give him my all. But I don't want to. What good would it do to hurt someone's feelings? I know how it feels..

Though I may be experiencing a slight phobia, I know that I will not give up being in a relationship totally. I know I still have so much to give. And I love making my other half smile because of the little, thoughtful gestures that I like to do once in a while. I'll just have to remember that love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you but if you let it go and don't go looking for it, it will come to you when you least expect it. Now, if only my mom would stop reminding me that time's running out for me! Urgh!

Bring it on!

TGIF!! On the other hand, I'm so not looking forward to the weekend coz it would mean that after Sunday, it's doomsday. Bleh! Apart from the impending Monday blues, there's also gonna be a meeting. I hate meetings, especially those that you know are just for 'paper' purpose. The kind of meetings that keep telling you that "We work as a team, we support and encourage one another..." Yeah right! Except for the few people who I know are sincere, the speaker of such lines are usually the ones who find pleasure in making other people's working lives miserable.

Judging from how the last meeting went, I'm so not looking forward to this one. I know he's going to make me squirm in my seat again. But hey, you know what - I did not write my previous blog "Carpe Diem" for nothing. I'm gonna speak my mind and not let anyone make me feel small. Enough of letting people get away with making me feel worthless. If they are going to put me in the 'limelight' I'm just going to put on the sweetest smile I can muster and come up with an intelligent rebuttal. It's no use letting these type of people know how angry you are or how much their brainless comments have hurt you. The best way to deal with these people is to show them that you have more class than them. Words are after all, more powerful than swords..well, for certain circumstances of course. I've always believed that if you want respect, you gotta earn it so I'm not gonna bow down to these people just because they hold higher positions in the company. Even if they somewhat have a say in whether you'll receive the next increment but what's a few hundred dollars compared to your self worth? (Okay, maybe the few hundred dollars could buy me a gorgeous dress or a handbag or shoes!) Uhm, anyways..I'm just going to face the devil straight on.

Like what my colleague said, you gotta face these type of situations and people openly in order to feel good about yourself. Should never let anything bring you down emotionally. Besides, there are worse problems out there. And I have conquered some of the most toughest challenge life has to offer. So what's a sneaky boss compared to what I've gone through?! Well..I ain't gonna sit back no more and let someone have a field day at my expense. He's going to be in for a surprise. Hurtful, idiotic remarks aren't going to affect me very easily now so... bring it on! :D

CARPE DIEM!

I finally did it..do what the movies always tells you to. Tell your feelings outright. And now I almost feel a tinge of regret creeping up at having written and send the emails but I'm forcing it down. I refused to let me feel any hint of regret or embarrassement or whatever. Enough of that!

Whenever I do something spontaneous, thanks to my sudden dose of inspiration that I get once in a blue moon, I almost always end up feeling stupid. For having done something on the spur of the moment only to wish I had not done so. Enough of that! This time, I'm determined to really live life the way it should be - take risks - even if they seemed very small to hardly call them that - of course, not to the extent that the risk will cost you your life or at the expense of others, so you will know that you have gotten it done and over with. At least you'll be left with very little of life's what ifs - a painful, nagging question that will haunt you for life. At the very least, I will be able to say, "Well, I've done it, gotten the answers and will never look back in wonder..or worse, anger." What's the worse that can happen? Sure egos might get bruised but hey, I'll live. What's a little embarrassment compared to wasting years of your life thinking what could have been if you had taken the first step. Or wondering if the crush you had on that cute boy had only been a one-sided affair or if it's actually secretly being reciprocated as well? If only I had not been so shy..if only I had followed my gut feelings..if only...IF, IF, IF...the two little words seemingly innocent on its own but have the potential to drag someone down in the dumps for the rest of their lives.

So hooray to Carpe Diem! The next time I chicken out of doing something I would love to do, I'll remember these two lovely words. After all, we only live once (with the exception of those who have gone through the tunnel and get miraculously pulled back by the men in blue) and more often than not, we only have one opportunity to do/say what we want, and when we feel like it. We don't owe anyone a living, except of course to the Big Guy above. Oh, and not forgetting our parents without whom we might not even exist.

So yeah, the next time I see my high school crush - who still makes me blush with excitement at the mere glimpse of him - I will go up to him and say hi. Of course, even with this new, improved spirit, I still have to keep my dignity and moral values. There's a fine line between going for it and going for it blindly. I will still have to make sure he's not a father of six or something. If he's attached, all the best in his future and I'll feel even more accomplished for if I had not gone up to him, I would still be wondering if he's still single and available. If he's not....well, do what I'll never do, or rather, too timid to do - ask for his number. :D I've already taken baby steps to start living my life the way it should be and that will hopefully make me feel more fulfilled.

The only obstacle would be giving in to feelings of regret and frustration for having succumbed to my gut feelings only to be betrayed by it later. I will have to learn to deal with disappointments that might arise from having followed these instincts. I will have to hold onto and hopefully built more of my self esteem and confidence that were threatening to become extinct. If I managed to smile or turn my nose up at negative words being said to me by brainless idiots, then I know, I'm on my way to accomplish satisfying, if not more greater things in life. So no more tears of disappointment, anger, betrayal..etc..no more fears of the unknown and certainly no more regrets at not having done something which I really wanted to do but too scared to attempt. Enough of that! ;p