Clock's ticking..

I used to not care whether I have a boyfriend or not..it's not like I'm panicking right now but there seemed to be something in me...I don't know how to explain it. Maybe it's what they called the biological clock ticking. Damn..I actually hate this feeling. I mean, I'm enjoying my single life to the fullest and after what I've had to go through with my last relationship, I'd be the most happiest person to say that I'm unattached at this point in time. But like I said, the darn 'tick-tocks' are doing just that - ticking fast. No thanks to my mom who would occasionally remind me of my age and how at my age, she had already been married to my late father, or was it, she was already pregnant with me? Oh well..whatever it is, it doesn't help that she's rubbing some of her agitation of wanting to be a grandmother on me. Sometimes, I feel like telling her "Ok mom, if you really want to carry a little bundle so much, maybe I should just get pregnant with anybody. No marriage required. You know, do what Michael Jackson and some of the celebrities in Hollywood did." But I doubt she'll see the humour in that. :p

I should embrace life more man! I gave too much of my emotional self to worthless scumbags in the past so now it's time for me to pamper myself like crazy. I've started travelling and visited some places I thought I'd never see...and I'm planning even more "Places to visit while I'm still single." It's been fun living with me, myself and I but sometimes, it made me wonder if I'm using the "I have a lot of things I wanna do before I get hitched" phrase as an excuse to get out of a relationship. I mean, it's not like I'm having a relationship phobia right now. Well, not in a big way anyway but I have guys who have professed their feelings for me and I tend to distanced myself from them once they have made their feelings known. In fact, I have one guy who's waiting for me now and who had the audacity to say that if I pushed him away too much, I might just become his one day. Normally, I'd get turned off by such confidence but he's been a nice friend so it's fine, I guess. Just that, when he asked if I wanted to start life afresh and settle down with him, I felt...sad? Coz he seemed to have made me realised that I'm afraid to plunge into a relationship again. That I'm scared of being hurt again and that I would be branded a failure. I don't know if I rejected him because I was afraid..maybe deep down, I knew he's not the one. And I could have just accepted him if I wanted to even if I knew I'm not going to give him my all. But I don't want to. What good would it do to hurt someone's feelings? I know how it feels..

Though I may be experiencing a slight phobia, I know that I will not give up being in a relationship totally. I know I still have so much to give. And I love making my other half smile because of the little, thoughtful gestures that I like to do once in a while. I'll just have to remember that love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you but if you let it go and don't go looking for it, it will come to you when you least expect it. Now, if only my mom would stop reminding me that time's running out for me! Urgh!